Am reading some weird self-righteous psychotherapeutic dude called Glasgow or Gossamer or something, and I cannot stand anything he writes. He is supposed to be the top shit authority on the subject of choice, control, actions, emotions, reactions, etc… I can see why so many people gawk in awe at his theories – the more I read, the more I am certain this world is made of lazy fools who wanna party all the time and never pay the bill. Oddly enough, unbeknownst to me, my mum started reading the exact same guy and is of course feverishly defending him. Alas, it is no possible to talk about things like this to my mum, because perish the thought I would have an opinion that doesn’t slide alongside hers. Which brings me back to my talking to myself or, how I like to write it lately, my “Conversations with Theo.”

                I love Theo. He’s three things I can easily wish I was or can relate to: chatty, headstrong and stoic. I’m not stoic, but that’s probably the only form of Buddhism I can tolerate. My parents agree my main negative characteristics are being stubborn and arrogant. Supposedly that comes from having low opining of one-self and not being satisfied with one’s life. That’s just retarded. Of course I’m not satisfied with my life – I haven’t achieved anything yet! For someone as afraid of death as I am, I am nowhere near being satisfied with myself.

                But here are the things I’ve realized this past week.

                People HAVE to be dictated. They have to. Those who wish to stay within the hearth of society, have to abide the general rules, as general as they may be, and if they didn’t, well, good luck enjoying a world where everyone does exactly what they want, because then nobody would wash their socks ever again. But I have been in the army (thorough submission) and I have been in the desert (complete freedom) and I have had a photo shoot lately, where people expected me – the photographer – to be the boss – and I’ve been criticized for saying I’m not, expecting someone else to take the lead. The fact is, as soon as I started waiting for everyone to do their job and started barking short, sharp orders, as if I actually WAS the leader, things got going a lot better and faster. People WANT to be told what to do. Anyone is entirely free to go live in the woods or the mountains or whatever. Anytime, just go. But I guarantee you – nobody does. Not the 99,99% of normal people. Sooner or later the pull into the center of the biological whole is too easy.

                This brings me to the ‘lone wolf’ concept. The 0,01% that is abnormal. The people who DO go into the hills and deserts and whatnots. The crazies. The damaged. The socially faulty. I know, because I am one. And I very strongly believe that my infertility has a lot to do with it, because the people like me are not invited to reproduce. I stay within the city, because my mate prefers it here, but as lone wolves go, I have long been rejected and the pack doesn’t want me. I am not normal. I don’t qualify to judge or presume the rules and affairs of the society. To me the things that normal people do and believe are a joke and for that reason I am not invited to the ball.

                All emotions on this world are exactly identical. How people show them is entirely individual, but the palette of emotions is always the same. Rich yapis from Boston, Bantu goat farmers, the Japanese workers, Inuit, extinct combatant native Americans, me, you, children, old people… They always feel the same things the same way: death of a loved one = crippling loss; being in love = exhilarating; loss of job = economical worry; birth of a child = sense of fulfillment; someone coming at you with a sharp blade = panic; home = safe…  Unless individuals have been somehow psychologically damaged (which, granted, is the vast majority), this is how they feel. There is no choice about it. All you can actually decide is how much of those you will feel for how long and what you will do about it. Which is nobody’s business but your own.

I know I am very arrogant. I also know I am very aloof, selfish and cynical. Well.. Oddly enough, I am only like that towards people. Or not even towards actual people, just in theory. Today I gave a very large mushroom I found to the lady who sells me bread, just because she said she likes them. That much about my selfishness. There is nothing cynical, arrogant or aloof when it comes to my mate. It just takes a very long time for me to believe in people and as far as trust in the good of them goes… Like I said. That one’s been wasted on trying to fit in. Pity. I think I would have enjoyed being an idealist.