Sleepless part 3

An ode to my old lover, the summer. Oh, fickle and passionate soul mate, you shall be missed.  

The cardinal cause for boredom I've been experiencing so bitterly lately, certainly arrives from the sense of impotence regarding rewards. Even the things I do right turn to shit. Even the things that should reward me financially, cause nothing but trouble. Nothing pushes you further into debt than knowing that eventually you will get a lot of money ... And then you don't get it. My most calm financial status is having no money and expecting none. That is me at my most ethereal. Because what I am really good at is making the most of what I've got. When I do shop, is for unique, expensive things that I then continue to use for a very long (and oddly rewarding) time.

I have gotten all where I am going to get with photography in this place. Certainly, I could shoot exotic, overwhelming portraits if I had traveled to overwhelming, exotic places, and the scenes of city life would shoot themselves if I lived in London or New York. I have been missing that wildly, even got very close to purchasing a city life lens (or Fuji Fix Fine x100 or however that little darling was called, which would serve as the same.) I wonder - is sliding into movies a natural path for a person who lives in a small town in the midst of pretty rural area?

I haven't done these things yet. Like always, I had to get myself into a painful boredom phase (luckily, it only lasts for about half a day and this was very conveniently on the last day of General's absence and the first day of period, so it was really truly disgustingly bad case of it), before I unscrewed into a wholly new ambition. And suddenly, if predictably, whole new parts of my brain come into action.

How does one make a movie? How does one make a good movie? (Is this sounding awfully like the first few times normal people have sex? It had to be perfect, though it's usually kind of awkward ... And then slowly you get to the phase when it comes natural and it's good BECAUSE it's odd and unpredictable?) 

Like all great arts, you only need three things to get things moving: the tool, the the canvas, so to say, and the message. Then, to get things done, you need a system, practice and a lot of good spirit. 

Everything else is there to make things easier and will catch up with you over time.

Like I said, I am really good at managing the most of what I've got.

And also, I am very fast learner, self taught, and very quickly the things I do become very embarrassing to me - by the time they are published, I know so much, I really could have done that a lot better. This is in my opinion the vital blood flow of progressive creativity. Upgrade. My favorite exhibitions are always the Opus Magni...thingies. (Fuck me if I can put that in proper Latin form halfway down the first coffee...) Opium Magnum? That sounds very wrong on many levels.

Anyhoo - the collections of art displayed as chronologically created - what someone did at the start and what someone did at the finish with decades spanning in the midst. Paintings especially can make for a good show regarding this. Also books, but books vary wildly whereas painting styles, if observed systematically, show a sharp red string. 

I have done books. I loved every single one of them, making them, except for the Trips scenario, which continues to be shameful and abusive. Still, even that one was great fun while collecting the material. My mind will always look out for stuff to fit into that project, though it had done that even before they fucked up my love for travel and research. The future project will be a leap in style, if I manage to pull it through, and probably won't be as pleasant as Gorgi, though likely more critically acclaimed. (And it won't be me who takes credit, so there's a nook right there. I just want to see that book exist. It doesn't have to have my name on it. My first ambition as a ghostwriter.)

There is plenty illustration stuff I do will continue to do. And also all kinds of photography, obviously. I still haven't sucked in enough wow factor to satiate my nerdy soul.

So. Movies. The industry of film making, the ultimate entertainment industry, is probably the most rewarding and the most saturated with wannabes. If you think any retard with a cell phone can be a photographer (and their own star model), you should see how many little creeps with daddy money are making features. 

The main problem isn't the fame market, though. I am waaaaay to early in the ambition to even worry about that yet. I am now at the stage where I am learning how to pace myself during the process. I'll explain. 

My very first idea for the experimental movie was the story of a traveling girl, collecting fragments of her soul. This would be very slow, very meditative, very beautiful. I could do that almost like a long music video. I've downloaded 15 gigs of ambient sound effect from car noise to frogs in the evening, so I'd never even need an audio recording session. HOWEVER. Even just looking for the necessary actress spawned attention of people who want to play along and this inspired ideas and in turn invoked bigger ambitions. But getting ahead of myself, with the scenes and with the sets and with the props, is very dangerous. Without mileage, the only thing a newbie gets to rely on is well shaped system, and if there is too much of everything, the system will be a mess. It all all right to just get everyone together and play by ear and cut out the parts that you think are great, but that's still a mesh up, a music video material. Full length feature requires a whole lot of painstaking attention to detail - particularly technical detail. Which I only imagine how you get. I have never tried getting it. And it would be frustrating to fuck up a good project out of sheer ... Well,