Sleep paralysis episode

I had my second sleep paralysis episode in my life tonight. Half of the time I was laughing at myself, thinking: are you kidding me? Brain? Me? ME?? Come on! Like someone trying to pickpocket a professional jewel thief.

I went to bed at around midnight, cold and hungry, having just finished editing a text. G was long asleep and very hot, and angry for me having woken him up an hour before his alarm (graveyard shift), so for the next hour or so we lay in bed, him warming me up, me cooling him down, breathing peacefully. Then he got up and left for work and I finally fell asleep.

I felt someone walking on the bed, which woke me. Not only can there never be anyone doing that, because the bed is under the ceiling –there isn’t supposed to be anyone in the room. I came to, but could not move. I knew exactly what is happening. My eyes refused to open no matter how hard I concentrated on getting them, so I could see who goes there. They were going to have to wait. Then I assumed this weird tense sensation and a little bit of fatigue was a result of an earthquake waking me up (happens sometimes) or about to happen. I paid attention on whether plaster will start to dust down on my face, meaning I should probably try and roll off and get to safety of G’s mancave.  I could sense my mouth was open and I was screaming, but no sound came out, so I decided that is very stupid and I am not a screaming type.

Clearly, I was still asleep. But I checked every box on the ‘how to get out of a lucid dream’ list: I told my brain this is too obvioustly a dream and it should stop fucking around; I engaged the frontal lobe by thinking about horse race betting and prostitutes; I sought meticulously to any part of my body which would stir and thus connect the stem. I was also laughing, because if you don’t panic, the whole thing is pretty entertaining.

Finally, having failed to move my eyes, tongue, fingers, toes, etc, I figured I am still breathing, so I should pump so much air into my stomach, it will start to hurt. That worked. The actual pain broke the spell and I stirred and got out of it. By that point I was so bored I just turned and went back to sleep.

When I told the General, he said: it was just a dream. I answered: Ya think?! I kinda figured that one out halfway during.

Truly, tough, the trick is not to panic. If you don’t panic and you’re in no hurry (no-one walking on your bed, no earthquake …), the whole thing is kind of fun, especially if you are able to observe it consciously. Makes for a good story.